Sherlock Holmes And The Dreaded Pickup Lines
by The Krystal Cat
Summary: What happens when Sherlock uses pickup lines? Insanity, that's what. And a flustered John Watson. Johnlock. Rating might go up for language.
1. Chapter 1

John was working on his blog when Sherlock walked in. "Hey Sherlock," he said. "How does this sound, 'The Case of The Black Cat?'"

"Boring." Sherlock said, plopping himself down on the recliner.

John sighed and scrapped it. "Well then, what do you suggest?"

"I don't know." Silence enveloped them for a moment before Sherlock broke it. "Do you know a doctor?"

"What?" John looked utterly surprised at the sudden question. "Sherlock, I am a doctor. Have you deleted that information? Why do you ask? What's wrong?"

"Hmm." Sherlock hummed softly and turned his head to look at John. "Because, John. I seem to have a bad case of 'Falling For You.'"

John blushed darkly and turned back to his laptop. "H-how does 'Bandit in Black' sound to you?"

"Better than the first one," Sherlock sighed. He'd just have to try harder then.

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><p><strong><em>Hey kittens! So this idea came to me this morning when I woke up, inspired by the fact that I sent a bunch of pickup lines to my own John Watson last night. Like, I'm her Sherlock and she's my John, in fact, I'm wearing my coat and hat at the moment. Anyway, I already have a few pickup lines set out that I'm going to use but if you have a certain one you want to see go ahead and request it! ~Cat. <em>**


	2. Chapter 2

Sherlock walked out of the kitchen and sat down across from John. He handed him a coffee mug and cradled the warmth from his own before taking a slow sip. Glancing back towards the kitchen his lips parted in a mischievous smile.

"John?"

"Yes Sherlock?" John didn't bother looking up from his laptop screen. He was, in fact, still working on his blog.

"I couldn't keep my eyes off of you," Sherlock said coolly, drawing John's curious glance from his laptop. "So I had to put them in the microwave."

John turned an interesting mixture of paleness and pinkness. He wasn't sure whether to be flattered or disturbed or if he should just walk away then and there. "That's... That's nice Sherlock," he said slowly before biting his lip and pretending like nothing happened.

Sherlock scowled softly. Wooing John seemed to take a lot more than that.

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><p><strong><em>XD oh gods, I have no clue how many times I have used this one. Same policy thing I guess, any comments or stuff is welcome, if you'd like to see a pickup line (please keep them clean) send them in. I've already got the last chapter planned out but I hope to have as many pickup lines as I can find before that happens, I don't want this to end! It's too fun. Oh! Another note, I plan on posting a new chapter daily (but we all know how scheduled posts go :P) so keep an eye out for new chapters. ~Cat. <em>**


	3. Chapter 3

John was looking for a book to read when Sherlock stumbled into the flat. He looked up at John and smiled softly. "You're my drug of choice."

John raised an eyebrow. "Where'd that come from?"

Sherlock shrugged and plopped down on the couch. "I burned my left index finger with acid, thought of you."

"Oh... That's nice..." John returned to searching for his book.

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><p><em><strong>This one is inspired by a picture on my phone, it's half screened and it has Sherlock on the left and John on the right and there's an image of John's phone screen in the middle. I'm having fun with this! Remember, reviews make Cat update quicker. And there's a prize for ever twenty fifth reviewer who has an account. Go ahead and send in pickup lines, I might just start using fandom pickup lines... ~Cat. <strong>_


	4. Chapter 4

John scanned through the many isles of books as he searched for a specific one. Sherlock had decided to tag along despite John adamantly saying he didn't have to. Eventually Sherlock had persuaded him by saying that two sets of eyes was better than one.

John sighed heavily as he walked out of the isle and up to Sherlock. "I can't find it. Any luck?"

"Right here," Sherlock waved a book as he flipped through the pages of another.

"What've you got there?" John asked cautiously. Sherlock had been acting strange lately and it wouldn't be much of a shock if this played into that.

"Nothing," Sherlock closed the book with a quiet snap and headed to the check out. "You know John, I'm glad I brought my library card."

"And why is that Sherlock?"

Sherlock placed the books on the counter with his card and turned to John with a smile. "Because I'm checking you out."

John flushed, he really should've seen that one coming. "I think I forgot something," he spun around. "Ah yes, I left my sanity back in the philosophical section, do you mind waiting here while I go retrieve it? I keep hearing you using pickup lines..."

Sherlock watched with a scowl as John walked off. "Poor bloke, me thinks yer tryin' to hard." Said the man at the counter as he pushed the books back to Sherlock. "Try somethin' lesser instead, make 'im dinner of sorts." His blue eyes flicked to where John disappeared. "Yer books'll be due in two weeks, have a nice holiday."

When John returned to Sherlock he wasn't too shocked that the taller had already hailed a cab. "After you," Sherlock said, motioning for John to get in first." Maybe he'd do what that librarian had said.

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><p><strong><em>XD the librarian will probably be seen more. He's one of my original characters and his name is Kaydon. He has a weird way of speaking so sorry if he's a bit confusing. ~Cat. <em>**


	5. Chapter 5

John sat at the table in slight apprehension. He hadn't become victim of one of Sherlock's pickup lines today. He supposed he should be relieved and he wasn't sure why he just... Wasn't.

"Alright John," Sherlock hummed as he put a plate in front of John. "Misses Hudson and I worked hard to make this so I expect that it shouldn't be too terrible."

John looked at it momentarily. Potatoes, green beans, honeyed ham, and what seemed to be a stuffing of sorts. It seemed good enough, innocent and harmless, but one could never be too sure with Sherlock Holmes.

"It's not poisoned is it?"

Sherlock chuckled. "Now John, why would I poison you?"

"For fun? As an experiment? I don't know Sherlock, why do you do anything?" John felt silly as he stabbed at the ham. Taking a tentative bite he was completely aware of Sherlock's deducing gaze on him.

"You like it!" Came Sherlock's gleeful cheer.

John shrugged lamely as he continued eating. He relaxed slightly when Sherlock didn't insist upon filling the silence with his own Sherlock-y ruckus.

It wasn't until he was halfway finished with his plate that Sherlock spoke once more. "If a fat man in a red suit stuffs you in his bag don't be alarmed," Sherlock's piercing gaze made John flush. "I asked for you for Christmas."

John choked on a potato and pushed away from the table. "Please excuse me."

Sherlock raised an amused eyebrow and continued eating. He'd taken the librarians advice. So much for not being victim of a pickup line.

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><p><strong><em>Haha, I couldn't think of one... So that's all I had, also being inspired by a picture. ~Cat.<em>**


	6. Chapter 6

They were in the lab when it happened again. Sherlock was looking into a microscope when he casually spoke. "You're hotter than The Dynamics of Combustion."

John raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Sherlock looked up. "I meant what I said John."

John blushed darkly and Molly walked in, giving each a curious glance before going on with her preppy business.

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><p><strong><em>So my friend used this one on me after I sent a hell of a lot of pickup lines to her just to see what she'd do so we all have her to thank for this chapter because I didn't know what to use XD ~Cat. <em>**


	7. Chapter 7

John was curled up contentedly in his blankets on a recliner. He was reading The Hobbit and was happy to relax in the silence of the flat. That is, until Sherlock walked in.

The taller man fell gracelessly onto the couch and looked over at John. He glanced steadily at the cover of the book and his lips curled into a grin. "Your beauty is golden."

"Is that so," John hummed lightly as he turned the page.

"If your beauty is golden then I must be Smaug."

"Why's that, Sherlock?" It only took John another second to realise what Sherlock had said and a blush quickly found his cheeks.

"Because I want it all to myself," Sherlock said.

If possible John bushed darker and tried to hide his face with the book. '_Why me_,' he thought, trying to become invisible.

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><p><em><strong>Haha, I came up with this one. Like, I was looking up pictures of Human!Smaug because I was reading a fanfic where he's human and it came to me and I was just like "that seems like something that Sherlock would say" and then I realised "Benny is Smaug. Let's throw this at the fans!" So here you are! ~Cat. <strong>_


	8. Chapter 8

John was reading the Sunday paper contentedly when Sherlock sat down across from him. He examined the newspaper and grinned mischievously. "If you were on paper they'd call you fine print."

John nearly tore his paper in half out of embarrassment. He looked at Sherlock and back to the paper. "I'm going to ignore you now."

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><p><em><strong>You thought I forgot you guys didn't you? Nah, I've just been a bit busy. Here you are though! ~Cat. <strong>_


	9. Chapter 9

John examined his sweater happily as he straightened the collar. It was baby blue with white snowflake patters adorning the sleeves. Across the torso there was a wintery scene of a moose in a patch of pine trees.

He hardly noticed Sherlock walk up behind him until there was a soft hum behind his ear. "What's your sweater made out of John?"

"Um... Cotton yarn I believe. Why?" He turned to look at Sherlock curiously. Shouldn't he have been able to deduce that without asking? Unless, ah hell. He walked into that one.

"I was just curious, because it looks like boyfriend material." Sherlock's bright grin was nearly blinding as John brought his palm to his face.

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><p><em><strong>Sorry it's so late! I had a dream last night that shook me up real bad because it's so plausible so I spent a good part of my day reading gay Harry Potter fanfiction just to cheer myself up and ignoring people. I think I might have worried some of my friends because I haven't answered them but one of them kind of deserves it! She doesn't reply to me and it scares me half to death and I'm already afraid enough that she'll up and leave me... Anyway, today's pickup line was suggested by a fanfictioner, thanks! Your reviews are like oxygen to my fire, they keep me fuelled! Lolz, no pressure though. ~Cat. <strong>_


	10. Chapter 10

Sherlock casually looked over at John and smiled. "Are you the square root of two?"

"Sherlock, what-"

"Because my love for you is irrational." Sherlock wore a serious expression.

John chuckled softly, the pink tint of his blush becoming more prominent. "Sherlock... Why are you doing this?"

"As I said before, I want you all to myself."

John nodded mutely to himself before looking out the window of the taxi cab. Sherlock, being the stubborn arse that he is, would keep on until he got what he wanted. John at least knew that much. He groaned to himself and let his forehead his the window. This would be a long ride, both metaphorically speaking and literally.

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><p><em><strong>Reference to chapter seven. Oh my! I wake up after hardly six hours of sleep and there's like four more reviews! You think we can make it to twenty six before the next chapter? This chapter's pickup line was suggested by IWishICouldThinkOfAUsername. Thanks to all of you who've sent in pickup lines! Guys! I've reached a new achievement! I've updated this fic ten days in a row! Can I haz a cookie? ~Cat. <strong>_


	11. Chapter 11

Sherlock had no real account for personal boundaries. This became painfully obvious to John when Sherlock burst into his room this morning.

Now John wasn't a prude but he was very thankful that he had his trousers on when Sherlock did burst into his room. He paused, shirt in hand, and stared equally at the consulting detective.

He sighed and out his shirt on, grabbing his shoes and moving to sit on the edge of the bed. "Can I help you, Sherlock? Is there a reason you're in my bedroom?"

Sherlock blinked. "I was going to ask if you're an astronaut because your arse is out of this world but instead I'd like to tie your shoes."

John was blushing slightly because the casual astronaut comment when he responded. "Why do you want to tie my shoes?"

"I don't want you to fall for anyone else."

John blinked. He really should have expected that but it didn't entirely shock him. "Sherlock, if you tie my shoes I wouldn't be falling for you either."

Sherlock made a sour face. He stalked out of John's room to call his brother.

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><p><em><strong>Slowdown! Okay, I realise that he wouldn't call his brother but hear me out! There's a reason behind my madness, I plan on having Mycroft in the next chapter because my friend used a pickup line that I'd like to execute and now that John's decided to be an arse (a fine arse in Sherlock's opinion) and contradict him I can actually put my methodical madness to use. The pickup line in this chapter was suggested by a fanfictioner. Side Note; this fic has quickly become my most popular, booting HEANS (a Destiel fanfic in the Supernatural fandom) into second place. You guys are awesome! ~Cat. <strong>_


	12. Chapter 12

_**Happy New Years!**_

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><p>John looked at the ticket stubs in his hand as he walked into the theatre. This was definitely new for Sherlock, from what John could recall the taller bloke had never stepped foot in a theatre. At least he wasn't taking him to see some romance movie.<p>

He stood at the concession stand not sure what he wanted. Eventually he settled on a tub of popcorn when he felt Sherlock walk up behind him. "Sherlock would you like anything?"

"Nothing for me."

John nodded and turned around to pay when he felt a hand on his arse. "Sherlock," he said steadily. "What are you doing?"

"Is this seat taken?"

John's eyebrow twitched. "Kindly get your hand off of my arse or I'll punch you in the face."

Sherlock sighed and turned around. "Mycroft! It didn't work."

The older Holmes was staring in shock at what had just been displayed to him. "It was a joke, Sherlock. Surely you can differentiate."

Sherlock nodded and pursed his lips. "It was still worth a try."

John huffed as he walked towards the theatre room that was playing the movie, mumbling something along the lines of "stubborn bastard."

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><p><em><strong>*laughs* so I'm thinking of throwing a little Mystrade your way. I'd have to read some fanfiction for the pairing first but it's still a possibility. ~Cat.<strong>_


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